During the first month of Anthony being home I was still out of a job and the stress was mounting. Everyone was now on COBRA insurance. Since I was the only one who could get insurance on my own I was forced to continue coverage with the previous company or go it with no coverage. It was painful paying that $1,200 a month with no income coming in. In the meantime Anthony had about 2-3 doctor visits every week so it was easy to keep busy.
When downtime did occur I was hit with horrible depression and the night feedings were the worst. I remember several times during the night where I'd be feeding Anthony and just breaking down and crying. At the time I thought it was just exhaustion because of how Anthony took bottles. You see he was on a good schedule, every 3 hours on the dot he'd wake up to eat but for him to finish a bottle of 1-2 oz. it would take him an hour or more. Many a sunrise was seen while sitting in his rocking chair trying to get him to suck down a bottle. Then there were the nights that he'd be so exhausted that half way through he'd fall asleep and we'd have to get him naked just to try and wake him up. Looking back on it besides him being a preemie and weaker then normal kids his age 2 additional things could of been at play here: 1. the bottles and nipples the hospital gave us were crap 2. years later we find out Anthony is tongue tied.
Those night feedings came and went and Anthony was sleeping through the night but I was still not feeling OK. By now I had starting working again and I thought I'd be feeling better or at least thats what I told Kim. The depression was getting worse and I started breaking out in shakes at night. The shakes were like the ones you would get with fevers but my temperature was fine. I'd shake until the hairs on my arm would hurt and my body was sore and then it would stop. Kim being the good researcher she was Google'd me up something saying I was probably deficient in vitamin B-12 so I started a regimen of vitamins and some V8. All seemed well for a month or two and then my stomach started acting up.
At first we thought I might be lactose intolerant so I started taking lactaid but when that was no longer cutting it I went and saw a Doctor. I told him how my stomach would bloat until it looked like I was pregnant and how I would spend the rest of the night vomiting all my stomach contents. He recommended a Gastroenterologist and they scoped me.
That in of itself was scary as it was the first time I'd ever been put out for anything. That and I was alone because Kim had to be at home with Anthony since we were still keeping him away from the public.
When I was woken up the nurse went over the findings. I was the proud owner of 3 ulcers: one at the top of the stomach, one in the stomach and one at the end of the stomach. Finally I could get something to treat this.
With the stomach thing done the depression continued. Most days I'd be fine but then I'd sit and just out of no where this overwhelming despair would set in; That and I was mean and very short tempered. Kim noticed this and there was many a fight.
I started going to therapy and like always after a week or two things would be better again.
We all knew what this was it was me not grieving when we loss Hailey. All I had of her was the few 4D ultrasounds. I just could never come to terms with how she was not here. I've really only come to terms with this 6 moths ago when we had another little girl come into our lives our daughter Ashley.
Ashley has done a lot to heal those wounds and anger I felt having lost Hailey. That said however not a day goes by that I still don't remember Hailey and all that she had done for her brother. I still tear up thinking of her and questioning why? Why couldn't I protect her, I'm her dad after all and we protect our little girls from harm.
That said I now see that no matter what, when tragedies happen you must deal with your emotions. You must feel them. Sure you can be strong for your partner but you must go through the event yourself. You can't just put your feelings aside. Your body always finds a way to get them out whether its depression, ulcers, and other weird things that bodies do.
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